The ARFID Foodie

One of the reasons I named this “The ARFID Foodie” is because I want to enjoy food. So many people talk about how much they tie feelings and memories to food. For me, food is such a source of stress and bad memories that I can’t enjoy it.

I used to really enjoy baking. I made bread, cake, eclairs, creme brule, and so much more. I was constantly finding new recipes to try just because I enjoyed doing it. It didn’t always come out pretty, but it turned out tasting great. Or so I was told. I rarely enjoyed eating the food I made, I just made it because I enjoyed the process and enjoyed making others happy.

You might be noticing that all of these comments are in the past tense. I don’t bake much anymore. I get extremely overwhelmed by the smells of cooking and baking to the point that it makes me nauseous. I want to enjoy the process like I used to, but now it is just a reminder of how difficult eating is for me.

My therapist and dietician are both working with me on the perogative “fed is best.” Basically, “it’s better to eat something no matter what, than to not eat at all.” But, I still deal with having to force myself to meet the goal of simply eating- my body just doesn’t enjoy it. I am also trying to associate good feelings with eating, so I am not allowed to doomscroll while eating anymore.

Eating isn’t a positive experience for some of us, and that is ok. There isn’t anything wrong with you, there isn’t anything wrong with me, we’re just trying our best to make it through the day.

Eating a handful of almond slivers because they basically taste like nothing and the texture is easy to ignore, is still better than not eating at all. Little steps still move you forward. You are trying, and that’s what counts. Even if you can’t eat, you still matter.

— With love,

The ARFID Foodie x